Katan's inner Monologue
by the vampyr marius
Summary: One Shot. This is sort of AU. It's kind of like an interview given outside the AS goings on and isn't really set in a time scale. I wrote this to explore one of my fav Characters. pls R


This is a one shot but one I hope to make part of a series of Monologue/ interview type stories. Please let me know what you think and if you like the style.

As always I don't own anything, Kaori Yuki does and isn't she wonderful :D

…………………………………………………………………………….

This is the inner monologue of Katan of the order of Cherubim. I have penned this because I know I am usually a very quiet person who has spent many years perfecting the masks I wear. Many of you will not have understood my character or my actions; some of you I know have loved me despite this.

Normally I would not care for such things, nor bother to explain myself, for you know I am not a vein or conceited being. But many of you have questioned, mocked or even hated the person dearest to my heart and though you may not know me, you would all agree I am nothing if not loyal.

So here I will claim that title once more and defend that which matters most to me and explain that which seems but simple logic in my mind. Of course you must have realised by now the subject of this monologue must be my creator Lord Rosiel and at lengths my relations with him.

Many of you can not understand my loyalty to such a master or my motive, nor can you puzzle the gage of our relationship, and so I shall start at the beginning for it is as good a place as any.

The first problem for you comes from faith. God for his own reasons gave you humans the right to free will; many of you have used this will to turn your back on him. So please begin by remembering that to me there was no question, God is real and a hierarchy of Heaven and Hell is maintained on both sides of Earth in the astral sphere. When I was a mere grigor I did not doubt God's existence, I questioned only his motivations, does he love us? Why must we endure such sorrow and pain? Although the creator existed there was the ever-increasing probability he was nothing but a cruel scientist.

Now I want you to imagine being aware, as you are, but with no form. Can you do it? Please try to imagine an existence that consists of nothing but pain and meaningless death. Now whilst trapped in that darkness you are suddenly touched by radiance so brilliant, pure and benevolent that you ache from its presence. You are given a form, a gender, a name and a purpose by this light, this being. Would this being, this creating force, not be a proven God to you? How could you doubt?

So now you will have two Gods, one an absent possibly cruel father to all, the other a radiant being, the only one to hear your cries, father only to you. Which would you love and worship most? Which would own your heart? If you were alive and your very creator existed too, walking around, living somewhere just beyond your reach would you not work until death to be reunited with that radiance? And what if after such sacrifice you were reunited and he taught you the wonder of all things until your heart, so filled with love and beauty, threatened to swell up and burst. If you as his creation were connected to him physically, emotionally, spiritually so that you felt everything he did, would you not adore, devote to and sympathise with his every action? If was then stolen from you by war and locked away, would you not sell your very soul for the key to his release? Would you fear sin against a cold absent creator over desire to be with your personal creator, the one who taught you love?

And so I think you must begin to know me better, to understand. You may ask though, would not my feelings change upon discovering the changes wrought upon him by his prison? I would answer that it was impossible, how could feelings so strong be moveable? Could you turn your back to God?

Though that would not be full truth. No, I felt doubt and unease the same as any other but in all honesty above all things I pitied him. Yes I know that should be wrong, to pity God, to feel sorry for a supreme being, but knowing him as I do, it is how I felt. I pitied him for the sacrifices that the cruel God had demanded, I pitied him for the denial of his wishes, be they wrong or right, for he had granted mine. Most of all though I pitied him for watching himself degrade and dissolve. In those rare moments of sanity I saw the soul rendering pain, self loathing and regret and in this I could love him only more. Now it was more vital than ever that I was loyal and supported him. Would you have had the strength to turn away? We both wished to return to that time, a time when he might have ruled heaven in his glory and ambivalence, to fulfil both of our dreams. But inside I knew it could not be, such was his curse from the true creator.

Some of your have questioned what motivation could be strong enough to bind me to him? What were my true feelings? If you do not understand by now I can say only this, I loved him as a father, worshipped him as a God, doted on him like a child and adored him like life itself. I desired him completely, in all ways. I wanted only his happy and complete bliss. Many of you would press, are we lovers? I would ask would only this love invoke such blind loyalty? I can answer only this, if you could be around your very maker and they had a physical form and heart and soul as you did, made of the same essence as you, lonely and longing to be reunited, could you turn away from that instinctual desire? Even if it was a perilous sin? I will not say it is what I wanted from him but if his heart or body had turned to me in such a way, how could I refuse? He made this body, he can use it as he wishes. What possible reason could I have to resist? Would I not burn with desire in response to his own? He is my God.

And so I hope that will end your questions and you will leave us now in peace.


End file.
